Six years

It has been six year since we lost our Evelyn. The pain of losing her will never leave my heart, though there are days when I will not think of her at all. I used to feel guilty when I would not think of her for one whole day. But I know now that she would never begrudge us happiness. In the months and years after losing her I could never have pictured my life where it is now. I have three, three beautiful, happy children. I could not fathom that such a life was possible for me afterwards. When I lost Evelyn I also lost my naiveness. Pregnancy would never be an easy and carefree process. Yet, that is not a bad thing. I would like to think I cherish my children more now because of the struggles we endured to get them here. But then I also worry that sometimes I do not appreciate them enough because of how truly special they are. I know that there are many people who suffer much more than we have and my heart breaks for them. Everytime a pregnancy goes off without a hitch I almost cannot believe it. I have moved so much since I lost Evelyn that there are people who know nothing about her. Sometimes it feels like a betrayal to her not to share her existence with people and then there are times when I want to keep her to myself. I miss her, I wonder what she would have been like, and yet I cannot imagine my life with her in it anymore. That may sound rude, but I cannot imagine what life would be like if Charlotte were not the big sister and Ben was the only boy amongst three girls. Plus, the biggest thing, that we would not have Charlotte if we had not lost Evelyn. I talk about her to the kids and remind them they have a big sister watching over them. I walk around with my three kids and wonder how people see me. Do women who are struggling to get pregnant look at me and think " she has no idea how lucky she is"? I used to judge women who had children after I lost Evelyn. I hope now that I am a little less quick to judge because we never know everything about anyone. If I think about losing Evelyn too much it is overwhelming because there are so many little things that led to her death and too much blame can be placed at my feet. I have learned to love the time we had with her and just be sad by the fact that she is not a part of our family here on earth. Well, at least that is my plan. I am so grateful to have had a supportive husband throughout all of this. I could not have gotten through it without him. I am grateful to my Mother in law, who visits Evelyn's grave everyday and talks to her. I have a great family. There are not many pictures I would share of Evelyn. They are too personal and I shy away from the reaction of people. She was my beautiful baby and that is the only way I want to see her. I will post something later. I had a wonderful doctor who did everything he could to make us feel safe and secure in our future pregnancies even though I spent the entire time unable to picture my baby in my arms. I had a wonderful friend who was there to talk whenever I needed her and truly knew how important my daughter was. I could not have made it through it without the help of some wonderful people. Thank you